Male Attention

Attention all teenage and adult men: if you would like to get the attention of a woman then pulling her pigtails or throwing buckets of water over her will achieve that; if you would like to get her attention in the hopes that she will actually think positively of you then pulling her pigtails or throwing buckets of water over her will not achieve that (she may think positively of you despite, but not because of this action).

Now this is somewhat unfair. Very many men already know this and wouldn’t dream of being ridiculously childish in the way they signal their affection and seek to garner affection. However, #NotAllMen still does imply some men.

Tipping someone’s cap off their head, or stealing their bag and not giving it back, while accompanied by a childish grin might seem like fun banter. And there might be eye rolling and a giggle. And the girl in question might even like the attention, find the lost cap/bag to be funny rather than annoying, and think the boy in question is endearing. However, she might not. And multiply this by the thousands of times that women are faced with minor acts of unwanted pestering, affection, aggression, discomfort, annoyance and this one cap tipping starts to look a little different.

Sitting right next to someone and unnecessarily crowding their personal space, draping an arm over their shoulder and leaning into them, may look like you’re giving them the benefit of all your masculine charm, however, for many women, this is intimidating, discomfiting, potentially quite scary. It isn’t a compliment, it is a threat. It is a threat.

Remember: that the vast majority of sexual assaults against women are perpetrated by men known to (and in many cases trusted by) the woman. You may mean nothing by it. But how exactly are we to know? And even if you do mean nothing by it, the act can be uncomfortable in and of itself, even ignoring the signal that much worse might be coming.

Some people might think this is just wokeness gone mad and that overly sensitive women should just learn to take a joke. 1 in 3 women are sexually assaulted in their lifetimes – FIND A BETTER JOKE!

Here’s a good guideline for all the men out there who might think that this all sounds too hard. Think of a woman you know who is more than 20 years older than you and who you respect and who you have no sexual interest in whatsoever. A relative, friend, acquaintance, the woman who works at your local takeaway, etc. Great. Now think of a second one (just so you have a sample size greater than 1). Think about the ways you would behave towards them and the ways you behave towards others. If you would not tip their cap off them while they walk down the street for a laugh, then don’t do that to the beautiful 20 something you’ve just met who you fancy. If you would not sit practically on top of them and drape your arm over their shoulder and pull them towards you, then don’t do that to your new female colleague. If you wouldn’t fire a water pistol at them or tip a bucket of water over their head on a hot day, then don’t do it to the woman in the park you think is really attractive. Find a better joke.

The secret (not really a secret) is respect. The other part of the secret (which really seems to be a secret) is that there is a difference between good attention and attention. If you want to get the attention of a woman then being a right pain in the proverbial will work, so will being nice to them, being friendly, smiling, talking to them, showing an interest in what they are doing, making it about them not about you, making a joke, being helpful, and the good thing is that with these other options you’ll get the attention and a much greater chance that they will think positively of you. Sidenote: this is true not just for male-female interactions, it is also true for general human-human interactions, who knew!!

Parents, teachers, etc, please give attention to the young boys who behave well, rather than simply lavishing attention on the adorable little rogues. Because what we are teaching them is that they can easily get the attention they crave by being annoying. And this is adorable in an 8 year old once or twice. As a lifestyle for a man in his 20s or 30s it is damaging! It is damaging for the women around him and damaging for him too because he will struggle to make meaningful connections with women if they are constantly on their guard around him.

I am calling out more and more men for their behaviour. But that is hard, because calling them out, rejecting them, diverting them, protecting myself and other women probably puts me and the other women at even greater risk than just grimacing our way through it all. And I’m sick of that too. As a related note, the point at which a woman in an abusive relationship decides to leave that relationship is statistically the most dangerous time for her, her very life is at greater risk then than at any other point in time.

To all the women out there I encourage you to call out this behaviour as much as you feel safe doing. Tell the person if you can (jokingly or seriously, in the moment or after the fact). Tell someone else. Ask the help of other women around you. Call it out when you see it happening to others.

I don’t want to stop men and women having fun. But I do want to stop low-level harassment from being seen to be a compliment, a joke, and something that women should just accept so we don’t bruise a fragile male ego. Find a better joke.

I’m nearly 50. I’m not an attractive woman, I never have been. I get very, very little attention from men. Because for as long as I can remember, I have actively done everything in my power not to be attractive to men. Subconsciously and deliberately. Always. Because for as long as I can remember, the biggest threat to my physical safety has been to attract the attention of men. The statistics bear me out here – my very life depends on it. It has been the best part of 4 decades and I’m so tired of all the effort I have had to put in. And I am one of the very, very lucky ones. I have lived my life so far being surrounded by the most wonderful, kind, gentle, generous, supportive, loving, men. Still I am tired of the effort. And I am tired on behalf of all the women I see still fighting this. And I am so saddened that for 1 in 3 of us, all the effort doesn’t change the outcome.

Find a better joke!