Guests and Hosts

I’ve spent a lot of time staying with wonderful people and also had times where equally wonderful people have stayed with me. Being a good host or a good guest takes work. Of course, since either role is one half of connection between wonderful people, the work is well and truly worth it and an utter joy, but it is work nonetheless.

It certainly depends on how well you know each other and the nature of the relationship and the type of space you are sharing and the terms of the visit etc. So each different interaction can feel quite different. But here are some of my observations on the guest-host relationship.

• When someone says help yourself to anything in the fridge, they probably don’t mean the single remaining slice of wedding cake from their best friend’s wedding of two days ago that they saved for their partner who couldn’t make it to the wedding.
• In some homes, stacking the dishwasher requires an advanced degree in three dimensional geometry and fluid dynamics – you helping is really not helpful – you’ll just ruin everything and the result will be an inadequately washed bowl that will lead to food poisoning and possible death – stay well away. In other homes, the stuff gets bunged in, it’s not that hard, don’t leave the mug on the bench for someone else to do it, just pop it in. Others yet don’t have a dishwasher, I mean what’s wrong with a squidge of dishsoap and a whoosh around with a sponge – just clean the mug.
• If you are washing a frying pan that you used for scrambled egg for your host (or in your communal living space whilst on a volunteering project) please remember that getting the crusty egg wet and soapy and bleached and dry again is not the same thing as washing the crusty egg off the frying pan!
• If you happen to be a British volunteer living with a host family in Thailand (for example) and they ask what you’d like for breakfast, then casually saying “oh anything is fine, wholemeal toast and peanut butter?” may result in the monthly food budget being blown on a toaster and one week of breakfasts (with brown bread that is frighteningly sweet and peanut butter that isn’t quite what you expected). What is cheap, quick and easy in one context may be quite tricky in another.
• Some hosts love a guest who can make themselves at home (and makes tea for the host while they’re in the kitchen).
• Some hosts love to look after their guest and very much enjoy waiting on them hand and foot.
• Some hosts are extremely protective of their kitchen and would prefer to make the tea than have you use the wrong teaspoon.
• Taking some time to yourself (as host or guest) isn’t rude – if it is done nicely. In fact, it can be a godsend for both parties. However, as a guest, it’s probably best if you don’t treat their home as a hotel where you spend all your time buried in your room behind a closed door, emerging only to use the wrong teaspoon and not clean the frying pan.
• In some cases, it is polite (and expected) for the host to buy dinner, do the shopping, etc. In other cases, the guest may be expected to take the hosts for dinner as a thank you. This will very much depend on the nature of the relationship and the reasons for the visit and the length of the visit, etc. Offering and then deferring to a counter-offer is nicer than not offering at all.
• My top tip for hosts is to make clear the options but also give a default position. “I suggest we go to the local Italian for dinner because they do really lovely lasagne, but there are several other really good options if you’d prefer Thai, or Indian, or Mexican etc.” This way a guest who doesn’t really mind what happens won’t inadvertently ask for something really challenging, but a guest who doesn’t like cheese, tomatoes and garlic will be able to suggest something else.
• Sometimes, as a guest, the best thing you can do is make a choice. If the hosts are trying to make you feel welcome and comfortable and all you say is “whatever, anything is fine” it’s really quite exhausting and hard for the hosts. Even if you don’t really mind, just pick one.
• For both parties, it’s a great idea to make your expectations, questions, assumptions, feedback, etc as clear as possible (as nicely as possible). However, if you just went out and bought very rare and expensive beef for your guest because last time they visited they mentioned it in passing, but it turns out that in the intervening 3 years they have become vegan, maybe it’s best not to tell them about the beef – certainly don’t try to make them feel guilty about the fact that you bought beef specifically for them that they’re not eating! (Anyone who thinks this scenario is familiar has probably watched the same recent BBC TV series I did where I was struck by this very thing happening and how many times something like this has happened to, or near, me.)
• Telepathy is a wonderful talent – hone it!
• Telepathy doesn’t actually exist, please don’t require it of the other party.